To Fall

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to fall until now.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to.
It was something that I’d hoped for in the future,
but I’m unsure of when that is.

It’s happened before.
Twice, actually.
But those instances weren’t rewarding,
they left me reeling in the end.

I find it ironic that a woman who is not yet whole,
yearns for the one thing that requires completeness.
I do not believe that I can give my all to someone if I am not put together first.

Still.
Lately I’ve been thinking about who I’ll end up spending the rest of my life with.
Isn’t that crazy?
I am so fixated on falling in love,
but I don’t want to date.
I daydream about what my next boyfriend will look like,
but if he came along, I wouldn’t even give him a chance.

I talk about love because it’s what I deserve.
I talk about love because I know how to give it.
But it will be a while before I’m ready to let someone else in.
I get discouraged because I want the next time to be the last time.
How many more attempts will it take, before someone really loves me?

Poet: Stefanie Parrott

 

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