If I Were to Die Today

When I started this journey,
I was completely open:
My mind,
My eyes,
My heart,
My soul.
If you told me that I couldn’t do something,
I would show you the contrary.
If you doubted me for any reason,
sooner or later you became a believer.

But at this point,
I no longer want to live.
I would like to fulfill all of my dreams and aspirations,
but they’ll be fine without me.
As for my family and my friends,
I’m sorry that I chose not to go on anymore.
I’m sorry that I took the short way down
instead of enduring the long way up.
If you find it in your heart to forgive me,
Please do,
because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.

My absence may hurt you more than words will ever be able to express,
but that is the same way I feel about my presence here on Earth.
You may not ever know what it’s like to feel nothing at all or everything at once,
or to have them intertwine.
You may not ever plan out the ways in which you’ll take your own life,
and I pray that you never do.

My greatest fear is that removing myself from your lives will cause you to become depressed like me.
Please don’t.
Smile at the moments I didn’t.
Find humor in the things I couldn’t find funny.
Look at the silver lining that never showed for me.
It’s not that it wasn’t there,
Depression made it hard to see it.

I’m sick.
Outwardly I may appear okay,
but internally I’m the farthest thing from it.
One day I hope you’ll see that I did what was best for me;
I didn’t want to suffer anymore.

Goodbye to the house I never bought my mom.
Farewell to all the pretty words and pictures plastered across my vision board.
Say hi to all the things that I had planned,
since I’ll never get the chance to meet them.
I would say “see you later” to you all,
but that just wouldn’t be fair.

I fought for over 10 years,
but my strength did not suffice.
My greatest wishes is that others will not succumb to this illness,
and that those who value me most will finally understand it.
I cannot say sorry enough for leaving you so suddenly,
but I was already gone.

– Stef Parrott, written May 2016

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